I teeter

Who am I?

Since flying across the ocean I seem to have lost half of myself. 

Or maybe that half was always lost, and it's only in these unfamiliar places that I notice. 

I notice 

That I've spent so many years catering to the opinions of others 

Willing myself to act a certain way

Look a certain way, 

Be a certain way, 

that when stripped of the familiar world of acceptance I've constructed

I teeter. 

I teeter on the brink of who I've tried to be, 

who I have failed to be,

and who this red dirt land could make me. 

If I let it, 

I could be the girl I've always tried not to be. 

The girl I'm afraid to be. 

The girl I'm afraid is my only true self.

 (I shudder)

Maybe it's not this red dirt land

But my own vulnerability

to the whims and waves of 

insecurity

But if I don't let it mold me,

then

who am I?

A girl who is always in, 

insofar as there's nods to be gained.

A girl who is always out,

just enough to retain some authenticity;

Seeking always, 

my reflection mirrored in eyes that smile?

Just where is that kernel of myself, 

buried so deeply, 

(perhaps the 

machination of all my mask-making)

that is truly me?

Does it even exist?

Or are we all just constantly, 

molding and sculpting ourselves

for that which gives us intimacy

Maybe this red dirt land will tell me. 

Part I: Independently Wicked

Life can be funny sometimes - funny in the "this is so great and unexpected" kind of way, and funny in the "I honestly have no idea what just happened or how I got here" kind of way that leaves you feeling lost and blindsided. I've been experiencing the latter lately.

Reading some of my previous posts on this blog, where my faith seemed to be soaring and my desire to serve God and His children was being acted upon with great joy, is a little disconcerting. I feel like I am reading the blog of some other  human being, notwithstanding that those are the very words that I have written myself! In those words during those times of my life, it seemed unthinkable that I could step away from God or that I could ever think that I didn't need God in my life again. I had been there before, and thought I had finally learned that life without God is empty and unfulfilling. Sure, I still struggled with doubt in some areas and sin in others, but I knew that despite the struggle, and indeed because of it, I needed God more than anything. I desired Him and His presence brought me great joy.  "All I need is Jesus" was something that I clung to desperately, and with great hope, though never with perfect understanding.

Yet between then and now, I somehow chose to let go of that hope in Jesus in the hope of attaining something far more  subtlety seductive and far less good and true. In many ways, this was a slow and secret turning of my heart towards man-made idols that didn't overtly manifest itself in outward signs at first - but it certainly did change the way I related to God, to others, and to the church that I had begun to serve with. For those that were close to me and paying enough attention, I'm sure I wasn't fooling you at all. And there were a select few to whom I confessed this struggle to; my confusion, my hardheartedness and my struggle to understand why I was feeling and thinking the way that I was in the hopes of  receiving guidance and the motivation/inspiration/whateveritwas to get me 'back on track'. But despite some blessed moments of clarity and what felt like steps forward, I remained in this place of what I can only now define as - chosen independence from God. 

I truly hated the internal war I was feeling - especially because it seemed to be that  my sin, the devil, or whathaveyou was winning and I was spiralling further and further away from God. I was not desiring to be close to God (but at the same time wanted to be), I was not desiring to serve others or alongside my church (though I knew that I should), I was not willing to go out of my comfort zone to trust God (though I knew He was trustworthy) and I was focusing more and more on 'bettering' myself and preparing myself for my future career while simultaneously sliding back into sinful patterns that I thought were done and dealt with. This produced bitterness and envy in me towards those Christians who seemed to be doing the very things I was struggling to do - indeed that I didn't even want to do though I knew I should be doing them! God is gracious and still met me in various ways during this period - but my heart was closed to Him.

I relate so much to the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Tempted by the serpents twisted 'wisdom' and subtle lies - you can be like God, you don't need to depend on God, you can rule your own life and make independent choices away from Him - you can have a happy future without God!
Though I would never state these things explicitly, for all intensive purposes, this was the way I was living even while trying to live for God! Going back and forth from 'Jesus is Lord' to "I am Lord." How messed up is that? It's the height of arrogance.

But believing that lie, however awful it is on its own - brought with it a bunch of other lies that kept me from turning back to God wholeheartedly. Once "I am Lord," everything falls apart and sin is master and the serpent gains a foothold. I began to despair of my hardheartedness towards God - I began to think that I had gone too far - sinned too much, done the same things too many times, and now I was cut from God and unworthy to call myself a Christian.  How can I abandon God for my own sinful desires and call myself a Christian? I need to pray, I need to read my bible, I need to serve my community, I need to stop doing things for myself and focus on others. I've never even led someone to Jesus. What is wrong with me?! If I'm not doing these things, then I am just a total failure of a Christian. I  am just a total selfish, failure. Maybe I am not even a Christian - maybe I've just been deceived into thinking I am. Thats honestly where I landed.

"He boasts about the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord. In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; your laws are rejected by him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, "Nothing will ever shake me." He swears, "no one will ever do me harm."  - Psalm 10: 3-6

I read this and felt the truth of it like a dagger in my heart - I am the wicked man. 

There is  this part of me, still believing the aforementioned lies, that wants to say, "Well then, that's that. I'm wicked, I'm prideful, and there's no way I can change that. I guess I'm just not cut out for this. Time to throw in the towel and ...." I'm not sure what would come after that, although in some ways I think I have already lived it and it has been decidedly not good. And that's not what I want at all.

But this struggle is real for me, and for others, and leads to some crucial questions.

Where do I go from here? Is this the end of my faith? Should I just give up on following God and do what I want because I am never going to live up to.. live up to.. live up to what exactly? What is it that I am not understanding about this? How do I orient myself towards God in the midst of this?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The truth is that the process that I outlined above, going from joy in the Lord - to making independent choices apart from God, to hardheartedness, believing more lies, and despair at my sinfulness and doubt is a process that doesn't just happen in the macro - a big arching plot across my life,  but begins in the micro of everyday decisions and thought-patterns. I either choose dependence on God, or independence from God - with every choice. And they both have consequences that spiral out and affect everything. I guess the punchline is that I often feel like I am completely incapable of choosing dependence on God consistently.

As this is such a lived experience for me, I am still struggling to understand this. But it would be untruthful to leave this scenario at this place of hopelessness. Because this is not where my faith ends, but where faith begins!!!!

That being said,  I think I need to let this 'marinate' some more in my brain and heart before I get to the good part. I need God's revelation and truth to rise up!

Today I got a glimpse, albeit a very small one, of what it might be like to be a follower of Jesus in a hostile environment. In some strange way, today in one of my seminar classes I had an experience I can only describe as ‘outing’ myself as a Christian, almost like ‘coming out of the closet’. Our discussion landed upon Christianity because one of our readings put forward the idea that Christianity is at the heart of the origin of human rights language. There were obviously some people in the classroom who disagreed with this idea because of historical events in the history of Christianity such as the crusades that were clearly violations of human rights and dignity. And I don’t disagree with them – there have been many things done in the name of Christianity that I am ashamed of, and that I don’t believe Jesus approved of either. But the moment that Christianity was brought up, I had fear in my heart. I hoped that we would skip over talking about Christianity because I knew it would be met with hostility and I wasn’t sure of how to respond or if I should respond. The picture painted, as is often the case, was that Christianity is responsible for all the major terrible things that have happened in the past and though it wasn't stated, it carried with it the idea that no human rights advocate could possibly believe in Christianity. As this discussion became full-fledged only right at the end of the class, I was spared from having to respond – but to be truthful I was also afraid to respond. I don’t believe any of the people in the class would intend to ostracize or discriminate me, but I was sitting there afraid to voice my own beliefs even as they were voicing theirs. It really hit home to me that much of the world is hostile to my belief in Jesus.

And it hit a painful cord in my heart that this was their image of Christianity, an image so contrary to my understanding of Jesus and His teachings. Jesus taught about loving your neighbor,  loving your enemy, giving to the poor, and sacrificing your life for others. He spent the majority of his time sitting and eating with people that the mainstream society rejected and oppressed like adulterers, sinners, prostitutes, and tax-collectors. He touched lepers when people didn’t even want a leper near their town. He listened to people’s stories, healed people and restored their dignity and preached a message of hope – that the kingdom of God was near, and that all was needed was repentance and love of God and others. I don’t see any justification for killing, oppressing, enslaving, discriminating or belittling others, especially those that are already marginalized and oppressed. Instead, I see Jesus leading the way in restoring dignity and loving even those that society has completely outcasted.  Thus, when I hear stories of the crusades and all the other terrible things done in the name of Christianity, I can’t understand how someone who read the Gospels could come to the conclusion that that was what being a Christian meant. Of course this shows why so many people have a negative perspective on Christianity, but the heart of Christianity does not align with violence and hate. There are so many Christians who spend the majority of their time seeking to love God, and love others, in practical ways that alleviate suffering all over the world. 

And yet, most of mainstream media only perpetuates the idea, through selective reporting of extreme cases, that Christians really are just bigots and haters. Maybe some of us are, but I have to wonder what they’ve read of Jesus when some Christians start holding signs that says, “God hates gays”. But then again, I’m not perfect, I make mistakes and I hurt people. I know that in my broken humanity I can’t possibly hope to love other people perfectly. I can’t possibly live the way of love and sacrifice that Jesus teaches perfectly, at least not in my own strength. . And I’m so thankful that there’s grace & forgiveness for the many times that I fail to live the way I’m called to by Jesus. And I don’t want to be a part of something that is about hate. I wouldn’t follow Jesus if he was about hating and discrimination and being prideful. I know sometimes that’s what I can be about, but that’s not what He is about and I want to learn to be more like Jesus. I want to be a part of something that is about love and restoration and hope and freedom. That is why I choose to follow Jesus. 

But in this class where Christianity was being put on trial, I was afraid to say that I am a Christian. That I am also passionate about human rights and believe the two are irrevocably tied to each other. And so I didn’t. I’m really not proud of that, but I was afraid of being put on trial myself. In some ways, I think there is a terrible double standard towards Christianity. It is wrong to be intolerant, unless you are being intolerant towards Christianity. It’s wrong to discriminate based on religion, unless the people are Christians. They probably deserved it because they are so intolerant. It scares me because there really is this undercurrent of this type of thinking pervading society.  It makes me wonder how far away more extreme persecution towards Christians is from hitting the shores of the Western world. It already happens in other countries.

After the class ‘officially’ ended, people stood around and continued to talk. I decided to speak to one of my classmates who had been involved in the discussion. I can’t believe I started our conversation this way, but I said, “Actually, I’m just going to come out and say it, I’m a Christian.” And I felt vulnerable. I worried that other people might overhear me. What in the world?

But this individual was more than understanding and really surprised me. She completely agreed that there was a double standard towards Christianity, and though she wasn’t Christian she said, “Honestly, sometimes it seems to me to make a lot of sense to ask, “What would Jesus do”? He really was about social justice.”  I really appreciated that. We continued to talk about how the world had become worse since science became the primary lens of making sense of the world, and that if it’s all about science where does hope come in? She even said, “If I was a Christian, I don’t know how I would have felt sitting in that discussion.” I really appreciated that.

This was a really revealing experience for me. About how society views Christianity, about my own fears around ‘outing’ myself in a hostile academic setting, and the power of being vulnerable with someone who is different from you and even disagrees with you on essential issues, but connects with your fears and heart for mutual understanding and social justice.

I am a Christian. I am passionate about human rights. And I believe that Christianity as modelled by Jesus and lived out by His followers has the power to alleviate the suffering of many and bring hope and dignity to many who are currently without. 

The Only One Who Satisfies

Tonight I read a whole book, a novel, in 3-4 hours. I probably shouldn't have, considering it was near midnight when I started, but like most young women my heart was captured by the promise of a good romance and whimsical fantasy calling from an old, unread book on my cluttered bookshelf. 

I've been down the road of whimsical fantasy and romance many times before, and though it seems to offer a pleasant escape and the soothing of  loneliness and boredom, it almost always seems to lead to an even more glaring awareness of reality. The reality of my own heart and the longings for eternity and romance written on it,  that ache and yearn for something deeper and more authentic then the mushy, twisted romance and adventure sold in YA novels. 

What is it about the allure of Twilight-esque romance, the obsession with falling in love with supernatural beings, even though they emotionally abuse you and are often downright creepy, that seems to hold captive so many young women? The dream of falling in love with something or someone more powerful than yourself? The longing for a love thats eternal, that overcomes everything, where the heroine and hero end up in each other's arms, forever?  The lore of being so filled with wonder at your lover that you never stop gazing at them, never stop wanting to be with them? 

I mean, it's obvious to anyone who has ever looked at relationships or people in our broken world for even half a second that there aren't people that we could love like that, and no one who would love us like that in return. So why does this desire exert so much power over us if it's so unfounded? It's so unrealistic its maddening, but yet so many women, and men too (though in a different manner) pursue it like this mysterious, powerful romance is nearby, just waiting to be caught. Like it's what we were all meant for and we know it deep in our bones and soul, but we just can't seem to find it. Allusive and alluring, mystical and powerful, pulling us forward like some half-forgotten dream. So novels are written, plays and movies, all capturing and framing this dream through different lenses and contexts, sometimes just barely hinting at the glorious reality of it, often twisting and maiming it completely. And often our relationships reflect the same. 

That's usually how I feel after reading an epic love story, like I just caught a whiff, a fleeting glimpse, a murky reflection, of the truth of something deep in my own soul that refuses to stop the pursuit despite all the hurt, sin, death, and brokenness. The truth that my soul was meant to spend all eternity gazing, beholding, adoring, and pursuing Someone more powerful and more beautiful than myself. The secretly hoped-for truth that this Someone pursues and loves me first, before I even become aware of His existence, and that He is incredibly good. And that this Someone, is THE Someone, the Great I AM, the Creator of the universe, who wrote these desires into the very fibers of my soul, this sense of 'eternity written on the hearts of men', the deep longing of the human heart to worship, the ache to experience the eternal joy of bride and bridegroom, so that we would know and come to Him.  

It sounds like it's too good to be true, it sounds like crazy-talk, but the "proof is in the pudding." This half-remembered dream of an eternal, glorious love plagues the human heart for a reason. We were made for it, and thank you Jesus that it is not even close to the crap we often settle for in cheap novels and broken relationships.  I don't pretend to understand or even properly appreciate the amazingness of God and His love and heart, but I dimly know that our hearts were made for His.  

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis

To Drink Deeply

There are a number of reasons why spending time in scripture, prayer, and worship is necessary.  I won't get in to all of them, but in the season of life that I am in the idea that worship and prayer are necessary for ministry and daily victory is really hitting home.

I am currently unemployed for the summer, though not for lack of trying. But in this season of unemployment, instead of lamenting my joblessness I have tried (and not always succeeded) to remain positive, trust God, and just ask Him what it is I should be doing right now.

A few weeks ago, I began to settle into my unemployment and ask God what He wanted me to do in the meantime. Over and over again, I heard him say, "Seek me." And quite frankly, that annoyed me. 

Seek Him? Okay, I know that I am supposed to do that, and I do want to do that, but it just seemed so basic, so elementary. Couldn't He tell me anything more specific and/or exciting? Maybe something that would seem more productive?? I know that is not the greatest attitude, but hey, the "get-a-job-or-else" vultures were circling. And the truth is, I really wasn't seeking Him during that time.

After wrestling with  it, and praying through it with someone else who encouraged me to obey God's voice in my life, I decided to do so. The next week I made a point to wake up and spend time in prayer and in worship - turning my heart and mind to God and entering into His presence by faith. Some days it was awesome, some days it was difficult, but it was always worth it. 

It was worth it because being in God's presence is wondrous, healing, and powerful. Sometime's the healing part involves tears and painful confession, but it's always good. It's worth it because the truth of the Gospel, that God loves me despite my sins and sometimes blatant avoidance of Him (which is also a sin), and restores me in His sight to full righteousness because of Jesus, comes alive and ministers to my heart and soul. And this heightened awareness of the Gospel produces awe and thankfulness and more faith. And well, I am encountering the God of the universe. What can be more worth my time than that?!

And, I can began to notice that the days that I intentionally spent time worshiping and praying were days where my heart seemed to beat with more of God's love, where boldness and gentleness seemed more in-sync and available, and where I seemed most in tune with the Holy Spirit's leading in my life. 

During this summer I have continued to volunteer at Why Not Youth Missions, and with my church Freedom House, serving free burgs' and dogs' to the homeless and hungry. I can go to these events and not speak from a spirit-filled, Christ-centered heart but still enjoy myself. I can go and have fun, talk to people, listen politely, dodge some drunken romantic advances, goof around, and still have a good night. And I have done that many times. 

But, my heart desires more than having a good time while I serve, and I believe God calls me to more than that. I want to "shine like the stars in the universe as I hold out the word of life", to bring the light of Christ to someone's darkness, to overwhelm someone with God's healing love, to see strongholds broken and the lost and broken ushered into the arms of their loving Father and Shepherd. I want Christ in me to be all that people see.

And I am learning that it won't happen with some magical wave of the Holy Spirit wand. I truly need to be meeting with God in the 'secret place' of my relationship with Him, knowing Him, being known by Him, and letting my heart rest in His hands and in His truth. Daily. I truly need to come to the Fountain of Living Water daily and drink deeply if I am to be a fountain of this living water to others. 

But it's crazy how I can write all this, and know that this is how I am meant to live, and even desire to live from this place of intimacy with God, and still go through day after day where I simply don't do it. The business of life, or the lure of Facebook and friends, or cleaning even, whatever trivial thing it may be, can (with my permission of course) steal the time I could be spending with the God of the universe that loves me. It's so silly really. 

Thank you Jesus for your lavish grace and unfailing love. Please continue to teach and lead me.

This, written by Heidi Baker, is what I am trying to get at:

"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." Let anyone who hears this say, "Come." Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life." -Revelation 22: 17 

May we choose to drink freely and deeply from the water of life every day.

I am resolved.

God is so good. This semester has been a little difficult, but it has mostly been good. My passion for Jesus just seems to be getting stronger and more certain and undivided. There is so much more to go, but I have encountered Him in ways that I didn't think was possible and I have gained a clearer and stronger sense of the freedom I have in Christ. I feel an even clearer call to live a life that is surrendered and devoted to Christ and His kingdom. I feel so much joy knowing that God has a purpose for my life, and that it is ultimately going to bring Him glory. I don't want to live the mediocre Christian life - I want to live out of the fullness of Christ and do crazy, awesome things for His namesake. I want to learn more about love and how to live a life that is drenched in the love of God. Man, I know it's going to be hard, but ultimately so worth it all! I know this begins with worshiping and loving Jesus every day, and  looking for ways to lay myself down for Him - serving, loving, worshiping, and claiming the truth of His word. I want IT - His kingdom on Earth, His voice saying, "Well done, faithful daughter!" The joy and freedom that comes from knowing Him and obeying His voice. And Him, just simply Him. And how can I not respond to His love with utter surrender and devotion? Christ is all that I have to stand on in this world of fading pleasures, and I am going to run this race for all it's worth. I am resolved. Thank you Jesus! :)

Dear Diary...

"I want to have the faith of a flower - to be earnestly and joyfully resting in God's grace, completely surrendered and dependent on the provision of God, persevering in every season and not afraid to bloom beautifully and reach towards the sky - soaking in the Son and by my very existence humbly proclaiming His glory and beauty. Being gentle in disposition but boldly growing tall, letting the Gardener tend to my every need and prune and graft where needed - even surrendering to a long winter, the promise of spring and new life sustaining. And with the glory of God cultivated in each season and in every petal (even the ones that wither and die), encouraging those who are yet seeds to burst forth and receive the love of the Tender Gardener, knowing it is He that plants the seed, and He that makes it grow into something beautiful." - May 2012

Wow, God.

I have been putting off writing a blog post for a while now, simply because I do not know how to adequately  explain or describe what God has been doing in my life. This summer has been overflowing with God's blessing. Not that it hasn't also come with challenges or difficulties, but that God has been so evidently present that those challenges have paled in comparison.

I'm not even sure where to begin. I have been pulled deeper and deeper into a real, active, and dependent relationship with my Heavenly Father. I guess I'll start at the beginning, so this post might be a long one!

 It's strange, but I never thought I would live in Brantford or with my dad. I dreamed of going to Queens or Western or McMaster, not a small satellite campus of Wilfrid Laurier in Brantford - a city that held some not so pleasant memories for me and a city often insulted and the butt of jokes. It was in Brantford that my parents were divorced, and it was in Brantford that my dad and his side of the family resided - whom I was not close with at all. Of course I loved them, but because of where I had been living and the limited amount of time that I saw my dad (once a month, maybe), I always felt uncomfortable when I did visit them. But, lo and behold God called me to Brantford, and He called me to live with my dad for the first time since I was 6. I was nervous about living with my dad - I really didn't know him that well (or at least it seemed that way) but I just had this feeling that this was what God wanted me to do.

God confirmed that this was indeed where I was called to be when I received a full tuition scholarship from Laurier that covered all of first year including my textbooks - a scholarship that I had been specifically praying for, but only received it because someone dropped out! Further, I attended a city conference in Hamilton six months after living in Brantford that was about loving the city of Hamilton, but God clearly spoke to me that Hamilton was no longer my city. He clearly impressed upon me that my city was now Brantford, and that He was calling me to serve and love there.

My first six months in Brantford were not without struggles. I'm not sure if it was because I was in a new city, and living with my dad for the first time, but I went through a bout of depression (or something similar). The funny thing is though, during that time I felt incredibly close to God, and He continuously spoke to me about His love. During that time he made me realize that I had never mourned my parents divorce, and He was putting His loving fingers on the painful parts of my heart that I had never dealt with. In the midst of this as well, God was building around me a solid community of christian's who loved and cared about me, and were willing to pray with me and listen to me talk about my family. It was in the Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship group that I became involved with almost right away after starting university, that I found a community that felt like home to me. They had a heart to serve our campus that really inspired me, and Andrea, our staff leader, was so dedicated to loving students and raising up leaders and took the time to care for me.

During the school year I realized that my main priority was not to get good grades and devote myself to  school work, but that I was first and foremost there to serve and love, and grow, and that my campus and city are my current mission field. It amazes me that I managed to get a GPA of 11 when school was not my main priority - I can definitely see the grace of God in that! And during the year God specifically spoke to me that He was "building a solid foundation" in my life. I was building community, drawing close to God in the midst of dealing with some painful issues, and seeing my relationship with my dad get a little better (but it still has a long ways to go). But, as the school year came to a close I began to dread the four months of summer that seemed to me to be four long months of boredom (it didn't help that I had been hoping to go to Ghana for an internship), and I really wished that school would just continue.

Although I had been editing my resume and applying for jobs here and there, I was really just going through the motions. I didn't want to just spend my summer working to make money, I wanted to be doing something for God's kingdom. I knew that every job was an opportunity for ministry, but I wanted something more. Although I couldn't put my finger on exactly what my heart was longing for -  I didn't feel content at all about getting a job. As I started voicing my feelings - most people's response was to insinuate that I was just being lazy, and that I should just suck it up because that's what everybody does, and after all I had tuition to pay for! But I felt really confused about what I should do.

As I sought out the advice of Godly people in my life - they really encouraged me to ask God directly. What should I be doing this summer? What does God have in store? Should I get a job? Asking God direct questions and actually listening for His voice was something so new to me but something that I could tell God was leading me in. Near the end of the school year Andrea and I sought God's voice about our campus ministry, and He so clearly spoke as we waited in silence for His still, small voice. So I knew that God definitely does speak when we seek Him and listen, but it was something I was learning (and still am!).

The first time I sought God's voice about my summer in the context of community, was with Andrea and Sarah (IVCF leadership team) at the end of April. I asked God, "What is Your desire for me this summer?" and I heard three things that I wasn't entirely sure was Him at the time, but in hindsight I can see how each came to pass. I heard that His desire for me was to, 1) Be in His presence, 2) Be born of the spirit, and 3) Reap what I did not sow.

I had recently started attending a church downtown called Freedom House (a church that I believe God was calling me too when I first arrived in Brantford but out of fear/commitment to another church I hadn't attended until this summer), and I am sooo thankful that God led me here. I was so hungry for what God was doing at Freedom House, and it was exactly what I needed. God has become so much more real to me than He ever has been - and it began with going to the place where God wanted me to be! My desire was to attend a church that was serving and loving the city and reaching out to the lost, burdened, homeless, hungry, mentally ill, and imprisoned, a church that wasn't afraid to dream big  and take risks but also wholeheartedly wanted to follow God's leading and listen to the Holy Spirit. And God answered that desire so profoundly! After attending Freedom House once, I immediately felt like a part of a caring, loving community and knew that I had found a group of believers that I wanted to serve alongside. As one of the Freedom House leadership began to meet with me, she also began speaking about asking God directly and listening to His voice. She also talked about speaking in tongues with me (because it was something that I was pretty skeptical of but occurred regularly at FH!). While at Freedom House I experienced a freedom in worship that I had never experienced before - instead of being self-conscious or afraid, I felt completely free to worship God in whatever way I felt compelled to - and I felt God's presence so strongly.

 About a week or so after attending FH, I met with a member of the leadership team and told her about my confusion over getting a job. She suggested we ask God directly together, "Should I get a job?" and just wait for Him to speak. So although I was a little doubtful, I also knew that God is a good father, and that good fathers speak to their children. Almost immediately after asking the question I heard a string of NO's, and she confirmed that she had heard NO as well. After our conversation, I was feeling a bit more peace, but now I had another question. What in the world was I supposed to do with my summer?! So once again I prayed and asked God for direction, and I heard Him clearly say that He wanted me "to build a house." I had no idea what that meant, and so I asked Him! And He led me to the verse Ephesians 2: 19-22, "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." I decided to take God at His word, and committed to not getting a job that night, even though I didn't understand fully what God intended or had in store.


(To be continued!)

And so, I am done first year.

It has been almost three months since I last wrote on here, and in some weird way it seems like time has gone by so fast that it feels like its been much longer. Speaking of time, I can hardly believe how fast my first year of university went by - it feels like just yesterday I received a call from Laurier offering me the full tuition scholarship that paid for my first year. I subsequently moved to a new, much smaller city to live with my dad for the first time since my parents divorce, and began my university career. I am not sure what I was expecting university to be like - exciting, I suppose, and full of valuable academic achievements, but what I actually experienced was not exactly what I had imagined.

Laurier Brantford is a small university that is, without a doubt, still trying to find its identity and from what I have heard has been growing in spurts - but growing nonetheless. However, it would appear that not many people, and students especially, take Laurier Brantford seriously, which is a topic I don't feel like addressing at the moment, but I might later (but for the record, I am slowly starting to love Laurier Brantford). On top of it being a semi-new campus, the program I enrolled in (Child and Youth Studies) was a newly offered program this year which might explain why I still don't fully understand what my program is about exactly. I have thus far learned that from the beginning of time youth have been rebelling against social norms, and that the concept of childhood is a social construction. Maybe this is because its only first year, but I really hope I will learn more practical information that will help me when/if I actually work with children and youth. But hey, maybe this information will help me later, and I just can't see that yet!

Either way, I have slowly come to the conclusion that even if I don't learn a single useful thing in my  4 years here - if I just get the degree, I will be labelled a successful and intelligent person ready to enter the real world. I am not saying I'm not learning anything, because I am, its just its hard to see how what I am learning will be of use to me when I am in the field, because its all theoretical. But, there are three more years to go, and who knows, second year may blow first year out of the water (and actually, I found the history of childhood fascinating!). I will also be doing a placement somewhere next year, so hopefully this will help me put all the theoretical stuff in perspective, and I might just develop some handy skills.

But in reality, all of this academic stuff is beside the point, because I have the not-so-slight suspicion that I am not at this university to simply study, procrastinate, and then be stressed about it. And nor am I simply here to get good grades or feel important, or to get a well-paying job one day, or for whatever other reason people choose to go to university. And I do believe that education is important, and that going to university opens up doors and gives students the chance to pursue their dreams, and that we should definitely not waste our education. But if that is all its about, then it still seems empty to me.

Because, as with any season in life, it has got to be about Him, and be for His glory. I was told to go to university so I could get a well-paying, fulfilling job, but God has been teaching me how to live a fulfilling life, even in the midst of exams and never-ending papers. At the end of these four years, do I really want to look back and just see someone consumed by achievement and self-importance? Or do I want to look back and see someone who viewed university as an opportunity for ministry, an opportunity to grow deeper with God and in community with fellow students, as an opportunity to see God in the every day - to find inexplicable joy in even the most mundane tasks? I really do believe that God has me here, in Brantford, at the Laurier campus, for a purpose, and I can bet its not to get an A (although getting A's doesn't hurt!)! I am learning, but the majority of what I am learning isn't found in textbooks or lectures (but some of it has been found in a couple of really good books that I might suggest later).

It's hard to put into words what I have been learning this year - because I am still learning in it, because sometimes (most times) God has to really hammer the nail in for me to get it, and I know I only see the small picture. But, one major lesson that I still struggle with is: trust. I don't know what the future holds, and I don't know what I want to pursue for a career, and I really don't even know if I am in the right program, and sometimes its hard for me to see how where I am is part of God's plan for me, because it is so... ordinary, and sometimes simply difficult and...boring. the list of things I don't know or understand can sometimes be overwhelming.

But a lot of this comes down to a poor attitude, an idolization of the 'mountain top,' and a lack of trust in God. God is good, and He is faithful - and when I can only put one foot in front of the other and don't know where the path is headed - that is when my faith and trust in God is really put to the test, and strengthened. thank goodness His grace and mercy are overflowing - because I need them every day, in every moment to help me to have a good attitude in this place.

It's hard for me because I am someone who thrives on the "vision," I am an idealist and a dreamer, and I need to be able to envision an amazing future event/goal to keep myself motivated. In high school, the 'vision' was of going to a prestigious university, studying in a prestigious program, and becoming a missionary or working for the UN, or something really cool and exciting. throughout high school I did a number of really cool and exciting things: lived in Japan for a year, built a house in a rural village in the Dominican Republic, studied human rights and the holocaust in a prestigious independent program, went to Washington, D.C. to be a world-changer, went on a mission trip to Camden, New Jersey  (the most dangerous city in the US), founded a club to raise awareness about human trafficking, and worked in a non-profit organization for at-risk and homeless youth.

And now I am here. In this place where I don't have a 'vision' for anything, and cool and exciting is not even close to what I experience, and everything, everything, seems up in the air and out of my control, and yet so... ordinary. I have no direction and I almost feel lost. Almost.

Because in reality, I have a direction. I have a vision... and it's the only one worth having, but, to see it, and to keep seeing it, I have to let go of my hold on everything else, everything cool and exciting and what this world deems as success or fulfillment. But I fight letting go, especially now, when it seems like I don't really have that much that I am holding on to anyways. How can I let go of the little I have? It's painful, the process of being emptied. It really makes you ask the hard, deep questions that sometimes don't have clear, tangible answers.


What have I really been living for?
Why am I even in university?
Why am I in Brantford? 

What is God's purpose for my life?
What really, does it mean to live fully?

 But it also clears away all the things that keep me from beholding Jesus, and makes me realize how full my life truly is.  Jesus is here. His abundance is overflowing - His grace is covering me and it is spilling over, and over, into the dry places of my heart, and into the dry places of this city. Jesus has me here for a purpose, and although I may not see clearly what that is yet, I know it begins with trusting Him. 

Healing

Boy, has it been an intense and interesting, and fairly difficult, couple of weeks! If anything, I have become more and more aware of my own insecurities, weaknesses, and most significantly, my own wounds and brokenness.
I know that this is part of the healing process, but man it can be a sucker punch! Especially to just come to accept that I am powerless to change it on my own or to heal myself, and to realize it is only in God's timing, power, and grace that any real victory will be made. Ah, this means patience and perseverance... and trusting in God rather than my own limited abilities!

Thank God that Jesus came for the sick, the broken, and the desperate. That is the place I am in, but I also know that the one, true firm foundation in my life is Jesus and His work on the cross, and that I can trust in that.

The Cry of My Heart

I am excited and so humbled by what God has been doing in my heart. He has been increasing my hunger for Him, and has been drawing me deeper and deeper into His presence. Deciding to spend time with him, every day... even if I am busy and school work is calling, has really been changing my life. Truly committing to it - to just... pray, read, and soak in His presence has been exactly what my heart needs. I have also been praying, and reflecting on the call to be a missionary - and what that means, for me on a daily basis, even now. Because I know that if God is calling me to be a missionary, it begins now. We are all called to be missionaries  - we are all called to be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around us - we are all called to love. And that is really, the heart of a missionary. To love and serve, completely dependent on Christ and boldly living in Him and through him. But, to love, you have to act... and you have to learn to truly love as Christ does - and its a journey of growth and trial. I can not fly to Africa or Asia, or even to the broken places of America, and expect to magically be able to love as Christ does, to love powerfully and sacrificially. I have to allow God to build it in me - to build a firm foundation and to teach me how to love while acting it out, on a daily basis - like a muscle, and I also need to know that I am His precious and loved daughter, not an orphan.

So, this is the journey that I am on - to spend time daily in my Father's presence, and to spend time daily loving - whatever they may look like. I am sure I will fail many times... but I know that my Father's grace is sufficient.

God has really been speaking this to me through many different ways... even as I was watching the movie Taken - God whispered, "My love for you and all my children is more ferocious than this, and more gentle!" If you have seen the movie, you know what I am talking about!

But I have also been reading a book, by Heidi Baker (co-founder of the missions organization Iris Ministries) called Compelled By Love - and it has literally echoed the cry of my heart and has really helped me understand what it means to be a missionary.. and simply what it means to be a lover of Jesus and in relationship with Him! Literally I have cried and laughed and been driven to my bible and into prayer because of what God has been doing in my heart through the words of this book! So, below I will share some of passages in the book that just grabbed me and made me feel like - this is it! This is the heart of the Gospel! I hope they stir your heart like they did mine!

"The Lord is calling for servant lovers who will call in the outcasts, who will go into the dark corners of the world and compel them to come home. And they will come. Who will go and leave their life of comfort and call in the broken? Who will go and be a learner? Who will go among those who are mourning and lay their life down for Jesus? The Lord wants His house to be full. It is time for us to go to the poor, to the broken, to the homeless, to the dying, and to the lonely and call them in. Thousands and thousands of "sent-out ones" need to go out to the darkest places, to the poorest places, to the forgotten places, because the wedding feast is about to begin. So many still must be called."

"Our lives must be living incarnations of the love of Christ Jesus if we will ever have an effective ministry. What is our motivation for ministry? The Lord is looking for servant lovers - people who are passionate and filled with love for Him, people who desire and are longing for the Bridegroom's return, people who can already taste the feast and know it's about to begin. These people can no longer stand to stay in their comfort zones. They will literally run out and call in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame."

"So there is only one direction in ministry: lower still."

"How do you become good news to both the poor and the rich? How do you become love manifested in physical form and see this gospel fulfilled? If you are called as a missionary - a "sent-out one" - then you are called to comfort those who mourn. You are called to love the broken until they understand God's love - a love that never dies - through you."

"What does it look like to be Jesus to this person, to a people group, or to this nation?"

"Some of you may think ministry is a grand adventure. Ministry, however, is simply loving the person in front of you. It's about stopping for the one and being the  very fragrance of Jesus to a lost and dying world...Ministry is simply you loving like Jesus. It is the beatitudes manifest through your life, Missions are when you have the love of God so that He can demonstrate His very life and nature through you...If you can find someone who is sick, help bring them healing. If you find someone who is hungry, feed them. If you find someone who is thirsty, give them water to drink. If you find someone naked, clothe them. If you can find someone who is broken, weak, or weary, love them to wholeness. And if you find someone who is mourning, give them comfort."

"We must acknowledge that all suffering is valid pain. The suffering in rich nations is loneliness. The suffering in rich nations is internal psychological pain. It is extremely relevant; it is deep. People feel it, and it is just as real as a bloated belly, people starving or disease and death...If we are to be Jesus' hands and feet, we need to care about the needs of others - internally and externally...To heal an orphan spirit in America takes love, compassion, a lot of time, and undivided attention toward one another. Both are valid, both are real, and both are costly."

"God's plan for strategic church growth was for us to simply stop what we were doing, go sit with the poor, and learn how to love."

"True apostolic ministry only flows from being immersed in the presence of God. This creates continuous supernatural fruitfulness."

"None of should want to build our own ministries - that is the opposite of what God called us to. We are called in love and meekness to establish God's kingdom on Earth."


"We will not concentrate on weaknesses in ourselves or the dark forces of danger on all sides, but rather on His face. We are sustained by beholding the beauty of His gaze, and we are confident in His cross - His gospel is sufficient." 


"We were chosen and handpicked and have full access to the heavenly realm because of the finished work of the cross. This is a key for accessing the heavenly realms by faith."




More to come!!

Reblog: How Do I Know God's Will?

from www.prettyladysmiles.blogspot.com

If I make this decision, will it bring me closer to God or further away from Him?

1. The first thing you need to believe is God's will is always good (Eph. 2:10). You won't want His will unless you trust Him.

2. The only things that can cause us to wander astray from all of God is sin. Ally Spotts defines it like this:

Sin: Any thought, action or attitude  that is outside of God's will for you.

If the relationship you're in brings you closer to brokenness than wholeness, it's not His will. If the music you listen to fills your mind with impure thoughts, it's not His will. If the career choice you make is about making money, being popular or gaining any self-worth/merit instead of honoring God, it's not His will.
Your motives determine how closer you are toward God and holiness because motives influence your decisions.

3. God's will includes self-control & self-denial (even if it's just for a season).
Self-denial & self-control are always required with God. You want Him to bring you a life partner, you're gonna have to stop hooking up & watching porn. You want Him to answer if you're called to ministry, you're going to have to spend a lot of time in intimacy with Him.  You want to be a leader, you're gonna have to serve. You want Him to bless you in all you do, you're gonna have to be obedient. Girls, you want your fear of God to be praised, you're gonna have to stop being vain & flirting with guys. You want to live a life worthy of Him, you're gonna have to stop following & pleasing the crowd. You want Him to provide, you're going to have to stop spending $ on things you want but don't need. It's about sacrifice and delayed gratification. Why? Because we don't focus our eyes on the temporal. You might have to leave friends, change majors (even schools), habits and lifestyles.
There's a reason why the Lord tells us to abstain from things! Don't take part in what you know contaminates you.

4. Going against God's will leads to our destruction. We choose the temporal, what feels or seems 'good' now and we go for it. Deep down we know the ultimate consequence is a spiritual death, but we can't see past this moment so it feels okay. We end up empty, broken and unsatisfied. We become slaves to addictions and sin. We forfeit the chance of an abundant life because we refuse to sacrifice.

5. God's will for your life is holiness. How do I know? The evidence was on display on a cross (and later resurrected), 2,000 years ago. A lot of people think holiness is this legalistic form of prohibition. [You don't have shave your legs, cut your hair or wear pants, etc..] It's not! Holiness is basically that desire for God that makes you give up whatever hinders you from all of Him. Holiness is also intimacy. When we step into holiness, we step into who God called us to be. We get to be in a authentic relationship with the Lord that compares to no other!

To be a woman or man of God you must choose His will. You must be holy.

Your life should always point at Him if you're decisions bring you close to His will.

Reblog:Love Has No Agenda

I follow a number of blogs (some by friends, some I've just picked up on my voyages into the blogging world)  and there are so many great blogs out there. And a lot of people reblog (post something on their own blog that was written by another blogger), but I have never done that before. However, I recently read a blog post by Kristen  from http://kristendoeslife.blogspot.com that really spoke to me, and has an essential message, and thought I would share it:) Check out her blog - she writes a lot of awesome stuff!

And as we drove home yesterday, my Father began to speak to me about love. I was praying for healing in a friend of mine's heart, and God just began to nudge me. He said, "You never love so that some one will be healed. You never pray so that something will happen. You love because that person is worth loving. You pray because I died for them. I didn't die for you just because you needed someone to died for you. I died for you because I love you, because it is who I am. You don't love someone to marry them. Marriage is the natural outcome of two hearts that have fallen in love. Love requires trust. To truly love, you must know what love does. Love repairs the broken places. Love makes things new. Love brings healing, truth, light to the places that need it. You don't love looking for a result. You just love."
    Our only call in life is to love. When we heal, when we raise the dead, when we cast out demons, when we give prophecy, we are to love and let all of those things be what love does. When we focus on the problem, rather than the person, we give the problem relevance. It is irrelevant. God will do what He wants. We are called only to be open to whatever it is He wants to do. When we are open to loving someone and that is all our hearts are set on, our minds and ears are open so that God may speak how. If we see a brother without clothes, we love by giving him clothing. If we see someone who is thirsty, we love them by giving them a drink. But we must never consider the result before the need. I do not love someone to fix them. I do not love someone to open their eyes. I do not love someone to heal their heart. Those are all things that happen as a result of love. I have love to give, and I am called to walk in it. Yes, I will heal the sick and cast out demons, and I believe one day, I will raise the dead (Jesus said it; I believe Him), but I am called to love, and all of those things will flow out of that place of love.
Love does not have an agenda. It just is.

Under God

I realized something today. And, my slight epiphany came through the most unlikely of things - a TV show. I don't know how many people watch Flashpoint - I feel like its one of those shows that flies under the radar but is surprisingly really good. Its some cross between Criminal Minds and CSI, but better... its not just the typical "there's a crime, and we'll solve it." The storyline for every episode is always really epic and gets right to your heart!

Tonight's episode started with a parole hearing for a black man that was convicted of murder at 15 for shooting/robbing a convenience store owner. The victims daughter and wife appear at every parole hearing Antone (the man convicted) has, in order to make sure he never makes parole. And hate, especially from the daughter, is palpable. But you get the feeling that Antone is sincere and feels truly guilty for his crime.

To make a long story really short (actually, I probably won't be able to make this concise..) - Antone's prison houses many rival gang members. One gang stages a riot in order to take out all the rival gang's leaders, but the daughter and wife (civilians) are trapped in the midst of it. Antone  takes it upon himself to protect the civilians, but in order to do so he has to pretend he is working with the gang leaders. His cover ends up getting blown as he is caught helping the cops, and he has to make a huge choice.

The crime he was convicted for in his teens was not a cold-blooded act. He was a scared 15 year old boy asked to prove his loyalty to a gang he didn't want to be a part of but felt like he had no other option. He didn't mean to shoot the man, he just wanted the money as proof. But the man grabbed the front of the gun and it was accidentally fired. Antone, at the age of 15, felt so terrible that he sat with the man so he didn't have to die alone. Antone, at the time of the riot, had spent 15 years in prison for this.

So, back to the riot... Antone is told that in order to prove his loyalty to the prison gang leaders and not be killed, he has to kill the civilians. Its a similar situation to what he had to face when he was 15. Will he make the same wrong choice?

And this is where my epiphany comes in. I am so rooting for this guy. I am so moved by his story, and the fact that he is trying to overcome his past, that he is trying to redeem his life. I am on the edge of my seat - I mean, I might as well have pompoms and do a cheer because I am really rooting for him! I just...feel so much compassion for him, and those like him! And this is totally a theme in my life - rooting for the underdog (I know, I know...insert Leaf joke here), caring for the beat up and beaten down, and even those that have made bad choices themselves, but have the potential to rise above it all yet. It just - gets my heart like nothing else. And I know this is a God thing - because nobody cares for the underdog, the beat up and beaten down, and the forgotten like God does. That's His target market... that's where His heart is. And I know, with crystal clarity, that God has been shaping my heart to care for the same.


The thing is, by the world's standards, I am an 'underdog' too. I am not particularly good at any one thing, and I have certainly made a number of bad choices. The one thing I do have though... the one thing that I know God can work with, and is indeed only possible because of God -  is my compulsion, my conviction to root for the underdog. God has given me a compassionate heart, and I know that He can, and will, and is, using that as His means to work through me. Because you don't need to be the smartest, or the best  at _____ or the ____ -est for God to use you and have incredible plans for you. You don't really need anything, but a willing heart. A heart that is willing to be shaped by the King. And actually, even if you don't have that... God will make a way for you.You can ask God to give you a willing heart.

As I have been writing this.. every time I typed "underdog",  I accidentally typed "undergod" and I kinda like that. We are not underdogs... we are under God... hmmmm.

A Heart of Prayer

I am currently fighting through a bout of the norwalk virus, so I have been in bed all day (minus the time I spent making home made chicken soup) tossing and turning, and occasionally sleeping. I haven't thrown up or anything, which I am so thankful for! My dad has it much worse than I do - so please keep him in your prayers! It shouldn't last for more than 3 days, but it is not pleasant! I have an exam in two days, so I am praying that I will feel better in time to not only write it, but also get in some studying. Getting sick around exam time is never good!

Although I am feeling kind of crappy, and a bit stir-crazy, I have also been spending more time in prayer and scripture than usual. I always find that when I am sick and can't really be distracted by life, I end up spending more time with God. I guess that is the bright side of becoming sick, if there ever was one!

So I was just laying in bed - feeling groggy but not enough to fall asleep, and my prayer 'wall' compelled me to pray. That has been the biggest benefit (and indeed the purpose of) my prayer 'wall" - it urges me to pray and reminds me of who and what I should be praying for. I prayed for a while, laying out before God all of the things that are troubling me, all of the people that I care for and are weighing on my heart,  and any sins that I felt convicted of. It brought me a lot of peace, but also  made me realize that there is soo much I have to pray for!

It is kind of ridiculous how many things and lives I feel compelled to pray for, but at the same time I know that I do not pray for them nearly enough! I normally just pray a quick prayer before going to bed - and often fall asleep while doing so! I know how powerful prayer is, and how praying draws me even closer to the presence of God, and I know that spending time in prayer is vital to my relationship with God - but yet, I do not make it a true priority in my day-to-day life. It is often something I just tack on to my day after accomplishing (or procrastinating from!) my daily routine.

For the amount of sin and darkness and pain that I encounter in my family and group of friends, and in my own life,  and in my city,  I really do not pray enough. I can't remember who said this, but it is so true "I am too busy not to pray!" Everything in my life needs to be surrendered to God in prayer and thanksgiving, but sometimes I wonder what exactly it means to pray.

I mean, prayer is kind of mysterious and weird. It is not just about asking for things, or being thankful, although that is obviously a huge part of it. But it also involves listening to God and being pulled into whatever God is already doing, and then acting on it. It is stepping into God's presence and aligning your heart and will with God's plans, and letting God speak to you and move you into action and purpose, whatever that may look like. It is also trusting in God's power and believing that He can and will do more than we could ever imagine. And sometimes it means talking, while at other times it means being silent. At least, this is how I understand prayer. But do I really understand prayer? How do we 'hear' from God? Are we listening? How do you understand prayer?

All I really know is that prayer is vitally important, and that I can pour out my heart to God and He will listen, but that I too need to "be still" and know that He is God.  I want to start setting aside time in the morning to pray - and really just start my day by soaking in God's presence. I think that will really revitalize my relationship with God, as well as my relationships with others.

 I want to live a life that is marinated in prayer.

Story

You cannot open a book in the middle of its plot

And expect yourself to be the main character

It is better to begin anew,

Than to try to write on already written pages