Just Do Something...

So, my sister recently bought a book called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach To Finding God's Will - Or- How To Make A Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Impressions, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing In The Sky, etc." And I am only on page 26 and I already feel convicted about the way I approach "finding" the will of God. And I have realized that maybe my approach is not really all that biblical. More on the book once I am done reading it, but here is a good quote:

"God is not a magic 8-Ball we shake up and peer into whenever we have a decision to make. He is a good God who gives us brains, shows us the way of obedience, and invites us to take risks for Him. We know God has a plan for our lives. That's wonderful. The problem is we think He's going to tell us the wonderful plan before it unfolds. We feel like we can know-and need to know-what God wants every step of the way. But such preoccupation with finding God's will, as well-intentioned as the desire may be, is more folly than freedom. The better way is the biblical way: Seek first the kingdom of God, and then trust that He will take care of our needs, even before we know what they are and where we're going."

Tonight

I'm hiding from you once again

I sold my heart away tonight

I search inside to find true life

but only bones and dust remains

And tonight you whisper love to me

It fills my soul and sets me free

shame and fear will fall away

my chains will break and doubt erase

I'm sitting at your feet again
broken and ashamed tonight
I am waiting just to hear your voice
to know that you have better plans

And tonight you whisper love to me

It fills my soul and sets me free

shame and fear will fall away

my chains will break and doubt erase

I'm aching for you once again
Will you meet here with me tonight?
I'll lay my life down at your feet
and rise redeemed and radiant

Captivating

Then the time came when the risk it took

To remain tight in a bud was more painful

Than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin

My friend recently mailed me a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Women's Soul. I have actually read it before.. a looong time ago, but now that I am reading through it again I have realized a lot of things about myself that I didn't realize before. I've realized that I have believed a lot of lies that have really affected the way I think about myself, and how I think others feel about me. I am glad that God has brought them to my attention, and I long to surrender them to Him and trust Him with who I am...but I have believed them for so long.. and been hurt by them, that I don't know how to let them go. They are safe, because they are so familiar, and this is a place of risk and vulnerability that I am not sure I am willing to go. At the same time, if there is anything I want, it is to believe what God says about who I am, and to be completely surrendered to Him in every part of my heart, even the places of pain. And so, whether I am "not enough," or  whether I am "too much," I yearn to move forward and trust in the love of a God that died for me, even though I sin and make mistakes, and even though I let my heart run astray so easily, and even though, more often than not, I put my trust in lies, rather than truth. I want to understand more fully the love of God, and the plans He has for my life, and I want to trust Him recklessly, not only with my plans, my safety, and external things, but most importantly, with who I truly am.

Captivating

" Every woman I've ever met feels it --something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought-- that noone has the passion or courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."

"You see, every little girl- and every little boy- is asking one fundamental question. Little boys want to know, Do I have what it takes? All that rough and tumble, all that daring and superhero dress up, all of that is a boy seeking to prove that he does have what it takes. He was made in the image of a warrior God... Little girls want to know, Am I lovely?"

PS. I really recommend this book for all you girls out there! And Wild At Heart by the same authors (John and Stasi Eldredge) for all you guys!

Pre- Trip Reflection

During the Compassion Trip Training Weekend, we were asked to listen to  God and write down our thoughts, impressions etc. We would be given them back after the trip. I totally forgot about this, and was surprised when I read it. Most of it is just questions that were up on the screen, but they are so thought-provoking...

Do you feel like God is distant?
Do you wish God's voice would be louder in your life?
Is there a connection between the amount of noise in our lives and our ability to hear God?

"Be still and know that I am God"

If I am not still, and I do not listen, how is Jesus going to give me rest?

Do I spend the same amount of time worrying about my problems as I do listening to what God might have to say?

Does my schedule, my life look like someone who wants to hear God's voice?

Compassion? (not sure what I was getting at with this one... :P)

How does God want to use me to help shape others?

How can I create space for God to speak clearly in my life?

How has God equipped me to serve this team?

- prayer?

What do I want my spirit to be focused on leading into this trip?

- Keep my eyes focused on Christ. It isn't about my personal holiness or character change. It's about God's glory and grace.

Why has God called me to this opportunity?

- Teach me how to serve, to not care that I am insignificant, to serve and pour out myself for God's glory and to love others.

- TO BE FEARLESS AND TRUST GOD COMPLETELY

How do I walk with the Holy Spirit?
  How do I keep my gaze on Christ?

- surrender, trust, and wait on God

How is God trying to shape and transform my life?

- Give me courage!

"You have not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" - 2 Tim 1:7

When I am lonely, upset, even bored -- turn to Christ.

Help me to hide my heart in You and to not try to impress others or win love. You love me as I am. You are fairer than the sons of men.

To challenge me...to show me His heart. My future is in His hands.

Humbly serving Christ...

Is there something stealing my joy in Christ?
- anxiety
- feelings of inadequacy
-  laziness?

To Take Risks

I've yet to fully process everything that I saw in Camden, New Jersey. It was an incredible experience being able to see so clearly how God has been working in Camden. It was a humbling experience being able to play with kids who are so innocent and giving, and yet have seen things that no child should ever have to. It was heartbreaking to hear thier stories, and encouraging to hear how thier lives have been changed for the better because of Urban Promise. I became so attached to the kids there....and felt like my heart would burst when we had to leave. I was especially sad because I was unable to say goodbye to a boy in grade one that I had a really special bond with. His name is Michael...and he pretended to be this tough little kid but was really so sweet. He has some negativity and anger...but he was just an innocent child and just wanted to play with me. I am going to be penpals with him...and I am excited to see how God will continue to work in his life, as I know he is at Urban Promise for a reason.

I wrote in my journal while was gone, and I think I will post my journal entries on here (with some slight editing :P). It it interesting to look back on what I wrote, and gives a fuller explanation of what I experienced.

What I really wanted to write about though, is risk. I am not normally a big risk-taker. Yes, I have been to Japan and the Dominican Republic...but those experiences were not too frightening for me. It was an adventure, but I was with a solid group of people in the DR, and I was well looked after by the Rotary Club in Japan.  It's actually the small things like taking a bus downtown in my city, or trusting that God will provide in financial situations, or having the courage to be who I am and share my heart with other people, or even just trying out extreme sports,  that makes me nervous. I often pull back from the things that make me afraid, and I want to change that.

Camden was more of a risk for me than my other trips. It was actually my first time on a missions trip with Christians...and I did not have any money to go. It was my first experience having to  fundraise an entire amount, and God blew me away. He provided the full amount. Camden was perhaps the first time where I fully and completely stepped out in faith to follow after Christ, and it was life-changing.

From this experience, I have come to a pretty crazy conclusion. God is calling me to live a life of risk. To go places and do things that make me uncomfortable (and there is sooooo many). And even crazier, I am excited about it.

I kinda can't wrap my head around that.

Return to Canada

Well, I returned from my mission trip to Camden, New Jersey today. It was such an amazing experience.
I miss it and the team so much... I think I am experience withdrawal. I am going to make a super long post about the trip soon-- so stay tuned! :)

40 days...

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
-Came To My Recuse, Hillsong

I've decided what I am doing for Lent. Although its mainly a Catholic practice, the idea of Lent is really great and I want to make use of it. The 40 days before the resurrection, we are to give up something (fast) because Christ gave up His life for us. That is so beautiful, and so I am going to do so as well.

Although most people give up something, I have decided to add something instead. I am going to commit to reading at least one chapter of the bible a day, and keep a journal about what God teaches me through the process. I always seem to find 'more important' things to do than read God' s word, and I really want to develop the habit of being drenched in the word of God all the time! I talk about wanting to know Christ more, but how can I do so if I am not reading my bible daily and seeking His heart?  I know that I experience Christ in my relationships with others and serving and loving the poor, broken, etc, and so I intend to intentionally focus on those things as well! I find that sometimes I allow anxiety and self-consciousness to prevent me from really being a part of community. But if I truly want to surrender my life to Christ-- these are some things that I need to do!

If anything, my highest dream for my life is to be completely surrendered to Christ and to go where He leads me with a joyful heart! I have such a long way to go!