I am Yours

I want to live like I am yours

Once again, my heart hurts
Once again, I've worn my heart on my sleeve and unprotected
Once again, unspoken hope fades away
How many times will I let this happen?
How many times will I leave my heart unguarded?
A yearning that seeks to be quenched by
A dream that isn't real
A fruit that isn't ripe
A void that can't be filled by any earthly treasure

I've had enough of living in this barren place
Where every trickle of water seems to mock my thirst
And leaves me more desperate than before,
And broken
I'll find him here, the one that tells me I am loved
The one who will justify my worth
If only I try a little harder, search a little deeper
You've called me away from this place but I'm still desperately digging in the dirt
Why am I still here?

I've had enough of living in this barren place
Searching for treasure that will fade away
Searching for words that will not remain
Searching for love that is not enough
When all this time I have known
What it is my heart longs for

I am scared to find I'm worthless
I am scared  that I'll be left alone
I am scared that I am not enough

Yet You have spoken words over me
That I am
Loved
Treasured
Worth dying for
 A crown of jewels in Your hand
Your beloved
Your bride
I have always been Yours
And You are waiting for me to return to You

I have lived as if I am an orphan, a widow

Desperate for love in a weary land

But I've had enough

You are what my heart seeks

No earthly thing will satisfy me

I am burying my heart at the foot of Your cross

I want to live like I am Yours.

Living in the core

Well, life has been one exciting adventure lately! Not only have I started my new job working downtown at a Christian non-for-profit that runs programs for street-involved and at-risk youth, but I have been housesitting with my sister downtown Hamilton as well! Our first night we got quite the scare... some 'gangsters' decided in front of our house was a good place to hang out haha, they even talked about killing people (we can hear everything that goes on in the street) and it was pretty freaky! But that was the only time we had any problems and I really enjoyed the opportunity to really experience life in the city! I love the city... especially Hamilton.. there is so much life but also so much brokenness. I went to the Art Crawl for the first time last night, and LOVED it. Met a lot of people and saw some people we knew...it was too bad we couldn't have stayed for Battle of the Brushes.. it sounded sweet! Hamilton is such an artsy city - and I think the best is yet to come!

I am really loving my job... but you know, it isn't just a job, its a ministry (well, every job can be a ministry if your heart is there) and the most amazing part of it is being able to build relationships with the youth and depend on the Holy Spirit to move powerfully in the ministry, in my life, and in the lives of the youth. I definitely can't do this job in my own strength, but God has been showing me how faithful He is when we step out in faith and trust Him even when its scary. God has laid certain youth on my heart, and I have been lifting them up in prayer as often as I can... and I am seeing fruit! I run into them on the streets in the most random places, and I am really excited for what God has in store for them even now. They are lost and like "sheep without a shepherd" but God is faithful and, even just a little bit, I can see His heart for them and how He loves them, and us, so extravegantly. I have so much to learn in this new area of my life called urban ministry, and I never imagined I would end up here!! But God is crazy (in a good way)and its only for a season (I start university in september!).

University is going to be a whole other ball game... I don't really know what to expect, and I am nervous and excited about it. But God has once again been showing me how faitful and mysterious He is. I prayed in faith to recieve the Laurier Centennial Scholarship (a full tuition scholarship) and didn't recieve it. I actually had the nerve to be upset with God about it, and really wrestled with God about it, but came out in the end knowing that just because God doesn't answer my prayer in the way I want Him to, He is faithful and no matter what has good plans and will provide. After I wrestled through that, I was able to trust in the fact that, even though I had no money for university, one way or another I would depend on God. About two months later I got a call from the Laurier Scholarship office!! Apparently someone who recieved the scholarship decided they didnt want to go to Laurier anymore, and they then offered the scholarship to me!! How crazy is that?! God is good and mysterious, and I guess He needed to teach me a lesson :P!

All in all, I am so thankful and amazed at what God has been doing in my life and I am trying to lay out my whole life and surrender it to God and walk by faith even when its scary, and He is faithful (if you can't tell, God has really been speaking to me about his faithfulness). If we put our trust in Him and take risks but depend on his Holy Spirit, He will meet with us and do more than we could ever imagine! But even when we can't see the fruit, we know that He is watering the seed! How amazing... no matter what season of our lives God is faithful.

Leaping

I am about to take one of the biggest risks and face the biggest challenges that I have ever taken thus far. To some, it may not be as big of a risk as it seems to be for me.. but I am intentionally facing a lot of my fears so its going to be a challenge! Although nervous, I am also excited. God has lead me to do a lot of things, but this one I think has felt the most God inspired.

Before coming to the point where I am clinging to God and praying so much about this, I was in a pretty bad state! I was so nervous and truly felt that I would not be able to do well and that I am walking into a 'whirlwind' that I won't be able to steer through. I felt terrified!

But God spoke to me through His followers and through some specific bible verses, as well as a book, and now I feel confident in God's ability to work through me and use me by His Spirit and grace!

These are the verses that God specifically spoke to me (and to be honest, I have never had the experience of God speaking so directly through scripture, and its so amazing and humbling!) Here they are (there is quite a few!):

Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your Teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.
Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!" He will also send rain for the seed you sow in the ground and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. [that part specifically encouraged me] Isaiah 30: 20-23

Those who hope in me will not be disappointed - Isaiah 44:23

"and anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple" - Luke 14:27

"No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me," declared the Lord. - Isaiah 54: 8-13

For nothing is impossible with God - Luke 1:37

"Blessed is she who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished" - Luke 1:45

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop" - Luke 8:15

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom" - Luke 12:32

His way is in the whirlwind and the storm...
Nahum 1:2

7 “The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
18 I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.
19 I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together,
20 so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the LORD has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it.
- Isaiah 41: 17-20

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
- Isaiah 55: 8-13

I also picked up a book called The Cross and the Switchblade by Pastor David Wilkerson...and this book was really life-changing, encouraging, challenging, and tear-inducing! The book is about how David Wilkerson was lead to start his street ministry in New York City with gang members, prostitutes, drug and alcohol addicted youth, and troubled and homeless youth, a ministry called Teen Challenge. His story of trusting the Holy Spirit by faith in so many miraculous situations is incredible! Here is a brief blurb about the book, I really recommend it:

Teen Challenge was launched in 1958 from a small office in Staten Island, New York. Pastor Wilkerson conducted street rallies on "gang turf," meetings through which many gang leaders and members were converted. Through this program, many street-hardened young men and women came to Christ, allowing God's Spirit to transform their lives.

In 1960, the Teen Challenge headquarters relocated to a large Georgian house at 416 Clinton Avenue in Brooklyn. The residence provided protection for drug addicts and gang members, as well as beds and shelter for troubled and homeless youth.

In 1958, many people thought David Wilkerson was crazy to try taking the gospel to drug-addicted teens in New York City. Today, few of those critics are willing to question the success of the Teen Challenge ministry.

Teen Challenge has grown to include 173 residential programs and numerous evangelism outreach centers in the United States, and 241 centers in 77 other countries. The program's cure rate of 86% has been recognized and substantiated by the U.S. Government's National Institute on Drug Abuse. All Teen Challenge centers operate autonomously.

Teen Challenge graduates include former drug addicts, alcoholics, gang members, prostitutes and others with life-controlling habits. Today, many graduates serve as ministers and missionaries throughout the world.

I am going to trust God radically and put my faith in the Holy Spirit this summer!

I will not forsake you

Recently, in light of things going on at home, I have been, as I mentioned in my last post, feeling really overwhelmed and down. This past week was particularly exhausting in every way, so when it came time to attend One Roof (a weekend camping trip/church celebration), I really didn't want to go. I almost didn't, except I realized I had been  going with out any christian community for a month at least, and that maybe that was what I needed. While on the trip, I shared what I was going through with multiple people, and had them pray for me. A lot of their encouragement gave me insight into why I was feeling so sad, with the main theme being that I feel responsible to protect everyone, but obviously I'm unable to do that, and that I am really sensitive. I am really glad that I went to One Roof since I was able to see everyone, have a great time, and unload what I had been carrying around with me. Things at home are still not good, but they are slightly better - my parents are now sleeping in the same room again and they are talking.. yay!! haha. Another somewhat encouraging thing happened today as well. We are selling our house, and we had to clean today to prepare for some realtors to come and evaluate it. At one point, my step-dad asked my step-brother to carry some things to the basement that included some light bulbs. My step-bro accidentally broke one of the light bulbs, and my step-dad freaked. He yelled and told him he had to walk to the store to buy a new one and was in general condescending. It made me really upset because its hard for me to handle when someone is treated unfairly and oppressively. I went to my mom and told her what happened and how it made me upset that he was being punished for an accident. Sadly, my mother didn't support me in the way I viewed the situation, but my mother has to deal with a lot and I know that she is also feeling overwhelmed about things and doesn't want to have to deal with anything more. I got upset at my mom for that though, but I felt bad and apologized after because I knew that wasn't the way I should have let out my frustration. The last words I said in the convo were, "If something is wrong that I have to stand up against it, and a child shouldn't be punished for an accident." I didn't realize that my step-dad was standing behind me in the door though, and I guess he heard what I said. But the thing that amazed me though is that normally he would get angry at me for saying something like that, but instead he didn't say anything, didn't make my step-brother go get the light bulbs, told him he should be more careful, and then went and got them himself. It was just one situation, but I felt proud of my step-father and a bit encouraged. The thing is though, I don't know how i am supposed to respond when I see things like that go on in my home, things I believe are wrong and hurtful. It frustrates me and I don't know if its my place to tell my parents what I'm feeling, but I don't know what else to do. I am praying for my family and for myself (for discernment, wisdom, and strength), because I don't want to make things worse in my home, I want to love my family and help make things better. Cause sometimes I am part of the problem, and I don't want to be anymore. I can't do it on my own because my initial reaction is to be upset and defensive, but I have to be humble, loving, and patient, but still bold (somehow..haha) through Christ. I know I can't fix everything, and that it isn't my responsibility to do so, but I can love my family and try to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness in the time I have left living here (I'm leaving for university in Sept.). Although I say this, these past weeks have made me start to doubt that God can or will make things better in my family, and will save my family. I have felt that its hopeless, and angry because I have prayed for my family for years (though not as often as I should!), and instead of things getting better...things got worse. BUT, through the encouragement of my christian friends, I am trying to trust that my family is in God's hands. Its hard to see people you love so bitter and unhappy, and so hard-hearted. I sometimes wish God would just intervene in a miraculous way to open my families eyes and hearts to the truth of His love and mercy and heal their hearts. But often, its hard for me to see how God is moving in my family and so its hard for me to let go of the believe that I have to protect everyone when I don't see God protecting the members of my family from further pain.  But, today I read some things that really encouraged and convicted me of my doubts.

"if we are obsessed by God, nothing else can get into our lives - not concerns, not tribulation, nor worries. And now we understand why our Lord so emphasized the sin of worrying. How can we dare to be so unbelieving when God totally surrounds us? To be obsessed by God is to have an effective barricade against all the assaults of the enemy...What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says, or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond  after I have heard what he says? "For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?' In other words, I will not be obsessed with apprehension. This does not mean that I will not be tempted to fear, but I will remember God's words of assurance...The only way to remove the fear from our lives is to listen to God's assurance to us. What are you fearing? Whatever it may be, you are not a coward about it - you are determined to face it,  yet you still have a feeling of fear. When it seems that there is nothing and no one to help you, say to yourself, "But ' The Lord is my helper' this very moment, even in my present circumstance." ...Take hold of the Father's assurance, and then say with strong courage, "I will not fear." It does not matter what evil or wrong may be in our way, because "He himself has said, 'I will never leave you.."  Are we continually filled with enough courage to say, "The Lord is my helper," or are we yielding to fear?"  (Oswald Chambers, Utmost for His Highest).

Rising waters...

As university looms just around the corner ( 2 months away!) things at home, at school, and in my own heart have become more complicated, and more overwhelming. In all honesty, I feel like I am in the middle of a storm and all I can really do is cling to Jesus, persevere and wait for it to pass. I feel like I am at a major crossroads in my life... with so many important decisions to be made but with no guarantee of the outcome. It feels like I am staring straight into the unknown, not knowing where the road leads, but having to keep going regardless. In a way it is exciting, but in a way it is also frightening, and overwhelming when I think of all the problems  that I am having to deal with amidst this experience. I have lost a lot of motivation for the things I am normally passionate about, simply because I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted by all that is going on. I've realized that I feel responsible to protect and look after everyone in my family, and that I tend to carry all of their burdens as my own. So when things aren't going well.. it really breaks my heart, and brings me down. At the same time though, I am thankful that I have seen the hand of God guiding me throughout my life, and pulling certain people into my life to love and pour into me when I could not receive it from elsewhere. I have been loved and cared for enough from outside individuals that I have not been too damaged by family and personal issues. That is so totally God's hand in my life, and has made me feel very loved by Him and thankful. Yet it makes me wonder why members of my family who have so much brokenness have not had the same support that I have. I think it would have made all the difference.

I need to lay down all of the anxiety and burdens I have been carrying at the feet of Jesus, but I feel guilty for wanting to lighten my load, and I don't know how to let them go. These next couple of months will be hard, but at the same time I think I will be pulled closer to God more than ever before. I just have to truly trust in Him that all will be well.

Just Do Something...

So, my sister recently bought a book called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach To Finding God's Will - Or- How To Make A Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Impressions, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing In The Sky, etc." And I am only on page 26 and I already feel convicted about the way I approach "finding" the will of God. And I have realized that maybe my approach is not really all that biblical. More on the book once I am done reading it, but here is a good quote:

"God is not a magic 8-Ball we shake up and peer into whenever we have a decision to make. He is a good God who gives us brains, shows us the way of obedience, and invites us to take risks for Him. We know God has a plan for our lives. That's wonderful. The problem is we think He's going to tell us the wonderful plan before it unfolds. We feel like we can know-and need to know-what God wants every step of the way. But such preoccupation with finding God's will, as well-intentioned as the desire may be, is more folly than freedom. The better way is the biblical way: Seek first the kingdom of God, and then trust that He will take care of our needs, even before we know what they are and where we're going."

Tonight

I'm hiding from you once again

I sold my heart away tonight

I search inside to find true life

but only bones and dust remains

And tonight you whisper love to me

It fills my soul and sets me free

shame and fear will fall away

my chains will break and doubt erase

I'm sitting at your feet again
broken and ashamed tonight
I am waiting just to hear your voice
to know that you have better plans

And tonight you whisper love to me

It fills my soul and sets me free

shame and fear will fall away

my chains will break and doubt erase

I'm aching for you once again
Will you meet here with me tonight?
I'll lay my life down at your feet
and rise redeemed and radiant