Monday, May 30, 2011

Rising waters...

As university looms just around the corner ( 2 months away!) things at home, at school, and in my own heart have become more complicated, and more overwhelming. In all honesty, I feel like I am in the middle of a storm and all I can really do is cling to Jesus, persevere and wait for it to pass. I feel like I am at a major crossroads in my life... with so many important decisions to be made but with no guarantee of the outcome. It feels like I am staring straight into the unknown, not knowing where the road leads, but having to keep going regardless. In a way it is exciting, but in a way it is also frightening, and overwhelming when I think of all the problems  that I am having to deal with amidst this experience. I have lost a lot of motivation for the things I am normally passionate about, simply because I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted by all that is going on. I've realized that I feel responsible to protect and look after everyone in my family, and that I tend to carry all of their burdens as my own. So when things aren't going well.. it really breaks my heart, and brings me down. At the same time though, I am thankful that I have seen the hand of God guiding me throughout my life, and pulling certain people into my life to love and pour into me when I could not receive it from elsewhere. I have been loved and cared for enough from outside individuals that I have not been too damaged by family and personal issues. That is so totally God's hand in my life, and has made me feel very loved by Him and thankful. Yet it makes me wonder why members of my family who have so much brokenness have not had the same support that I have. I think it would have made all the difference.

I need to lay down all of the anxiety and burdens I have been carrying at the feet of Jesus, but I feel guilty for wanting to lighten my load, and I don't know how to let them go. These next couple of months will be hard, but at the same time I think I will be pulled closer to God more than ever before. I just have to truly trust in Him that all will be well.