Friday, March 4, 2011

I rant about relationships..

Well, here comes a rant about relationships. Remember I warned you! ;)

There are certain situations when anxiety gets the best of me, and I am unable to move forward. I feel knots in my stomach, and I can't get myself to act or speak. I feel paralyzed by a sense of anxiousness and self-conscienceness. Its easy for me to know which situations will make me feel like this (to be honest, in most cases its dealing with guys) but its harder me to pinpoint why this has started. I wasn't always like this with guys, I used to be more confident. Ever since I returned from Japan though, it seems my shy-level has been increased to the point where I can barely deal with friendships. This year God has done amazing things in my heart, and He has led me to face some of my deepest fears. But this one, this one remains a challenge!  I think I have prayed over this far more than anything else, and for sure God has been working to help me overcome it. I have developed some chill friendships with guys that I hope remain so, but... as soon as I have feelings for someone, I become so nervous that I run away. It is so unbelievably frustrating, but I don't know how to not do it. It's almost become a habit!  And consequently, normally any guys that I like (even just a little bit) end up barely even knowing I exist!  Its soo frustrating. Case and point - I can't even muster the courage to message them via facebook chat!

My sister used to tell me that the reason I feel over-looked by guys now is because God is preparing me for someone special. I like the sound of that, but part of me worries that maybe God is preparing me to be single for life. I know that God has given me a heart for children, for those with developmental disabilities , and for missions and other cultures. I have an inkling that this might mean a lot of traveling and hard work (servant-hearted work). Will I ever find someone who is not only willing to put in the unusually hard work of pursuing me, but also have the same heart for missions that I do? Granted, I don't know where  God is leading me...but I am only 18 and I have already travelled to Japan and the Dominican Republic, and I love other cultures.  And I want to go wherever God leads me.

Regardless of this, I want to develop some authentic godly relationships with guys, and view them as my Brothers in Christ until the time when God might direct me otherwise. SOoo much easier said than done though, especially when you develop a crush on someone, and you're afraid to talk to them.

Although it might take a miracle, I hope and pray that I won't grow up to be a cat-lady.( haha.. please don't let that be my future! :P)


  1. Dear Brie Brie Brie Brie..
    It's okay to enjoy the process of liking boys! God created us with that desire. I am learning, it's okay to want these things and be honest with God about them. He already knows anyway! They key is-at the end of the day-give that desire back to him.
    love you!

  2. Don't worry Brie your so young and life has only begone. Pray for your future husband that he will like mission's as much as you do. Continue to chase after God with all your heart my friend!

  3. Great post, Brie! This is definitely something a LOT of people struggle with; and something that, like you said, should be brought before the Lord. I had to laugh at the ending though: "I hope and pray that I won't grow up to be a cat-lady", haha! :P