Sunday, June 5, 2011

I will not forsake you

Recently, in light of things going on at home, I have been, as I mentioned in my last post, feeling really overwhelmed and down. This past week was particularly exhausting in every way, so when it came time to attend One Roof (a weekend camping trip/church celebration), I really didn't want to go. I almost didn't, except I realized I had been  going with out any christian community for a month at least, and that maybe that was what I needed. While on the trip, I shared what I was going through with multiple people, and had them pray for me. A lot of their encouragement gave me insight into why I was feeling so sad, with the main theme being that I feel responsible to protect everyone, but obviously I'm unable to do that, and that I am really sensitive. I am really glad that I went to One Roof since I was able to see everyone, have a great time, and unload what I had been carrying around with me. Things at home are still not good, but they are slightly better - my parents are now sleeping in the same room again and they are talking.. yay!! haha. Another somewhat encouraging thing happened today as well. We are selling our house, and we had to clean today to prepare for some realtors to come and evaluate it. At one point, my step-dad asked my step-brother to carry some things to the basement that included some light bulbs. My step-bro accidentally broke one of the light bulbs, and my step-dad freaked. He yelled and told him he had to walk to the store to buy a new one and was in general condescending. It made me really upset because its hard for me to handle when someone is treated unfairly and oppressively. I went to my mom and told her what happened and how it made me upset that he was being punished for an accident. Sadly, my mother didn't support me in the way I viewed the situation, but my mother has to deal with a lot and I know that she is also feeling overwhelmed about things and doesn't want to have to deal with anything more. I got upset at my mom for that though, but I felt bad and apologized after because I knew that wasn't the way I should have let out my frustration. The last words I said in the convo were, "If something is wrong that I have to stand up against it, and a child shouldn't be punished for an accident." I didn't realize that my step-dad was standing behind me in the door though, and I guess he heard what I said. But the thing that amazed me though is that normally he would get angry at me for saying something like that, but instead he didn't say anything, didn't make my step-brother go get the light bulbs, told him he should be more careful, and then went and got them himself. It was just one situation, but I felt proud of my step-father and a bit encouraged. The thing is though, I don't know how i am supposed to respond when I see things like that go on in my home, things I believe are wrong and hurtful. It frustrates me and I don't know if its my place to tell my parents what I'm feeling, but I don't know what else to do. I am praying for my family and for myself (for discernment, wisdom, and strength), because I don't want to make things worse in my home, I want to love my family and help make things better. Cause sometimes I am part of the problem, and I don't want to be anymore. I can't do it on my own because my initial reaction is to be upset and defensive, but I have to be humble, loving, and patient, but still bold (somehow..haha) through Christ. I know I can't fix everything, and that it isn't my responsibility to do so, but I can love my family and try to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness in the time I have left living here (I'm leaving for university in Sept.). Although I say this, these past weeks have made me start to doubt that God can or will make things better in my family, and will save my family. I have felt that its hopeless, and angry because I have prayed for my family for years (though not as often as I should!), and instead of things getting better...things got worse. BUT, through the encouragement of my christian friends, I am trying to trust that my family is in God's hands. Its hard to see people you love so bitter and unhappy, and so hard-hearted. I sometimes wish God would just intervene in a miraculous way to open my families eyes and hearts to the truth of His love and mercy and heal their hearts. But often, its hard for me to see how God is moving in my family and so its hard for me to let go of the believe that I have to protect everyone when I don't see God protecting the members of my family from further pain.  But, today I read some things that really encouraged and convicted me of my doubts.

"if we are obsessed by God, nothing else can get into our lives - not concerns, not tribulation, nor worries. And now we understand why our Lord so emphasized the sin of worrying. How can we dare to be so unbelieving when God totally surrounds us? To be obsessed by God is to have an effective barricade against all the assaults of the enemy...What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says, or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond  after I have heard what he says? "For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?' In other words, I will not be obsessed with apprehension. This does not mean that I will not be tempted to fear, but I will remember God's words of assurance...The only way to remove the fear from our lives is to listen to God's assurance to us. What are you fearing? Whatever it may be, you are not a coward about it - you are determined to face it,  yet you still have a feeling of fear. When it seems that there is nothing and no one to help you, say to yourself, "But ' The Lord is my helper' this very moment, even in my present circumstance." ...Take hold of the Father's assurance, and then say with strong courage, "I will not fear." It does not matter what evil or wrong may be in our way, because "He himself has said, 'I will never leave you.."  Are we continually filled with enough courage to say, "The Lord is my helper," or are we yielding to fear?"  (Oswald Chambers, Utmost for His Highest).

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