Thursday, February 24, 2011

God enables me to face my fear...

There have been so many things that I have wanted to write about for a while, but I have really just not had the energy-but I don't want to delay writing about it any longer. Although I have been struggling lately, I have also felt the hand of God on my life in a number of ways.

For those that know me well, they know that I really struggle with anxiety in certain social situations, and with feeling self-conscious. Because of this anxiety, for the longest time I have avoided attending a certain home church. This has nothing to do with the home church, since I know that so many fantastic people attend it , and everything to do with me and my own insecurities. But God has a funny way of breaking through the things that I fear.

When I first heard about the Camden Compassion Trip, I was definitely interested, but I was really nervous. I don't have a job, and my parents have already helped me with the opportunity to go to Japan, so I  knew they wouldn't financially support me in this. I knew I would have to completely rely on God and fundraise the full 900$. That scared me because I feared I would not be able to do so....and part of me felt guilty for choosing to do something that would force me to ask for money from others. I prayed about it, and decided to apply for the team. I was excited when given the opportunity, and grateful that God gave me the nudge to do something that would force me to completely trust in Him. But now that I am the middle of fundraising, my fears are still not abated. I want to trust in God and pray everyday that He will increase my faith and my trust...but I am worried.

When a youth pastor suggested that we fundraise by visiting home churches, the first thought that came to mind was, "Please not THAT home church..." Any home-church but that one, is what I thought. However, the first suggestion I got was to speak to that one. I felt ridiculously nervous, but I also felt a sense that I needed to do it. I don't want to spend my life in anxiety...I want to spend it living victoriously in Christ. And so I knew I needed to face my fear and fundraise at that home-church. I find it amusing because I was originally afraid to just attend the home-church, but ended up not only attending but speaking and asking for prayer and financial support. The day that I was to speak I was SO nervous, and prayed more than I ever have in one day I think! But my worry was all for nothing, because once there, God gave me such a sense of peace and confidence, and I was able to speak pretty articulately I think :P. I actually really enjoyed myself! For those that don't understand anxiety, this probably seems like such a small thing to be afraid of. But for me, it felt like a looming obstacle and it really was only through God that I got the courage to go.

There are other areas in my life where anxiety still has a root, and I would be lying if I said I was completely over my fear of home church....but I am much further along than I would have been if God had not worked in my heart and life, and I want to continue trusting in HIm until every area of my life is completely surrendered.

With regards to fundraising, I am currently at 494.54$.

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