Sunday, April 10, 2011


Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin

My friend recently mailed me a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Women's Soul. I have actually read it before.. a looong time ago, but now that I am reading through it again I have realized a lot of things about myself that I didn't realize before. I've realized that I have believed a lot of lies that have really affected the way I think about myself, and how I think others feel about me. I am glad that God has brought them to my attention, and I long to surrender them to Him and trust Him with who I am...but I have believed them for so long.. and been hurt by them, that I don't know how to let them go. They are safe, because they are so familiar, and this is a place of risk and vulnerability that I am not sure I am willing to go. At the same time, if there is anything I want, it is to believe what God says about who I am, and to be completely surrendered to Him in every part of my heart, even the places of pain. And so, whether I am "not enough," or  whether I am "too much," I yearn to move forward and trust in the love of a God that died for me, even though I sin and make mistakes, and even though I let my heart run astray so easily, and even though, more often than not, I put my trust in lies, rather than truth. I want to understand more fully the love of God, and the plans He has for my life, and I want to trust Him recklessly, not only with my plans, my safety, and external things, but most importantly, with who I truly am.
" Every woman I've ever met feels it --something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time...We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought-- that noone has the passion or courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."

"You see, every little girl- and every little boy- is asking one fundamental question. Little boys want to know, Do I have what it takes? All that rough and tumble, all that daring and superhero dress up, all of that is a boy seeking to prove that he does have what it takes. He was made in the image of a warrior God... Little girls want to know, Am I lovely?"

PS. I really recommend this book for all you girls out there! And Wild At Heart by the same authors (John and Stasi Eldredge) for all you guys!

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